Parental Alienation is beyond rationalization. A logical person will try to understand what is going on but the truth is, it is very difficult if not impossible to understand. In the beginning of the alienation game – I was so extremely confused about everything. I was still able to see my daughter (with limitations). Things changed very rapidly and there was what I would describe as a lot of “crazy making” going on. I saw her sporadically for a few meals out but I was just seeing her for an hour or two here there. She would be ok when we spoke sometimes over a meal and then the next time would be cold and withdrawn. The first weird thing that happened was that I was telling her that I was planning to go to visit some relatives – a five-hour drive from where I live. My cousin, her children (who are around the same age as my daughter) and my aunt. When I mentioned it she said . . . “I’ll go with you!” I didn’t ask her, she just offered it up. I said, “are you sure?” Already by that time, I got the sense that she was being controlled. She said she would totally go and she could do whatever she wanted. So I said to her, “fine, I will pick you up on Friday morning by 8:00 a.m. and we can head out.” The next day she phoned and the conversation sounded very scripted. She started with a deep breath and said
“ok, I can’t go with you not because I’m not allowed to or don’t want to but because both of us are not ready because we haven’t even talked about our issues. We haven’t even talked about what happened – not just the letter or me moving in with my Dad and I don’t feel safe with you.”
There is much more to this conversation – but it was senseless and heartbreaking for me. I taped that conversation, I started taping the conversations because I felt like something very bad was going on behind the scenes and I just couldn’t put a finger on it. Now when I listen to the conversations they still don’t make any sense. The thing that was most shocking and upsetting was that she said she doesn’t feel safe with me. I am her Mother, and to hear that coming out of my own child’s mouth was devastating. How could this be? What is going on?
I still went on my trip . . . alone. I enjoyed my visit and at one point I had received a text from my daughter and it said “Hope your trip is going good.” I felt so bad for her because she knew that she was missing out on a lot of fun. These cousins are very special to her and they always have a wonderful time when they are together – things were changing rapidly and for me . . . things were spinning out of control. She was reaching out and pulling back . . . reaching out and pulling back. There were twists and turns around every corner. Plans changed . . . phone calls and texts were becoming fewer and fewer but her Dad and her were holding something over my head and her Dad was using it to his advantage. When I would text her Father stating that I wanted to spend time with my daughter – his response would be he is not keeping her from me. “I’ve never stopped E*** from seeing you…let’s get that straight….u not seeing E*** is a result of your relationship with her. I will tell her u texted me….it’s up to u to get a hold of her and ask to see her. I’ve never stood in the way and won’t be held responsible for you not seeing her.”
My daughter and her Father decided that we should get together so that she can tell me all the issues she has with me. I couldn’t understand why she couldn’t tell me these issues without her Dad being around. She said it had to be that way because that is how she feels safe. We are both her parents and we should both be involved. Even though the decision for her to sneak to her Dad’s and not return did not involve both of her parents – there was no discussion with me at all. Now suddenly this discussion needed to occur with her and I and her Dad as the protector. I didn’t agree to this. I refused. The reasons I refused were as follows:
This has been used against me. This has been the reason and excuse that I have been told I don’t see my daughter. I have been told because I didn’t meet with them, I have pushed her away.
Alienator physically or psychologically rescuing the children when there is no threat to their safety, reinforcing in the child’s mind the illusion of threat or danger – The alienator takes on the role of the protector.
Child is an independent thinker – believes that all of the decisions being made are their own.
Ryan Thomas speaks about the No-Win situation: