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Parental Alienation – Indirect Manipulation

Parental Alienation – Indirect Manipulation

A lot of people think that Parental Alienation is very obvious and easy to identify – but the truth is indirect manipulation of a child is probably the most used tactic.  This produces the “independent thinker” phenomena in the child.  My ex says all the time that he does not stop my daughter from seeing me.  What he doesn’t realize is he doesn’t have to directly say it, his actions, his wife’s actions, their carefully selected words and the seeds that are planted have contributed to the alienation.  Due to the continuous indirect manipulation, my daughter is showing signs of splitting.  She is thinking in very black and white terms – all good or all bad.  This is unrealistic – there is no middle ground.  So to her – I am the all bad and her Father and Stepmother are the all good.  I am the abuser, the neglectful parent, the parent who doesn’t care.  Her Father and Stepmother are all good – they are the only ones who care, they are her protectors, they satisfy her needs.

Watch this video from Ryan Thomas – from a former alienated child’s view about how this can occur.

My daughter has a very strong opinion that she is an independent thinker – that she has arrived at all of her conclusions about me on her own.  She is the one in control and she is the one making the decision to not see me.  Over time, Ryan explains how the words and the tactics used by his Mother eventually removed all visits with his Dad.  Ryan equated bad things happening to his Dad and as a child – it is understandable how this can take place.  The systematic approach – the hidden messages – the adults controlling the environment all contributed to the alienation.  As you can see Ryan explain that in parental alienation indirect manipulation is a very successful tool.  It makes the child believe they are in control and they are making these decisions on their own.  These tactics are like planting a seed – each time a seed is planted – it will grow.  Just as with alienation, the seeds are planted and eventually they grow and flourish – to the point of complete alienation.

alienated mom
alienated mom

I am a Mother of three, a photographer and lover of nature. I have been alienated from one of my children and my goal is to gain understanding, knowledge and reunification in this journey.


  1. Kerry says:

    Have been alienated from my daughter for over 2 years now. She is 15. My heart breaks daily and I feel like I am losing my mind because I never stop thinking… about her…about “it”….how could I have prevented this…why me… everything. I just found this site and am anxious to find hope from other mothers particularly with teenage daughters. I just don’t know what to do and I feel like I am dying on the inside.

    • alienated mom says:

      Hi there – I completely understand the pain. Sleepless nights, constantly on your mind, having trouble focusing, sadness, no energy and more! These are all of things I personally experience. I have read many times that it is extremely important for self-care. If we don’t take care of ourselves then we won’t be in a good place for when I children return. The alienator wants to destroy the bond/relationship and . . . you! Don’t give them the satisfaction. Continue to reach out to your daughter – if you can. Send simple emails, send texts . . . drop small thoughtful gifts off at her school. There is nothing that you could have done to prevent this, my guess is the alienation tactics began well before you would have ever known. Educate yourself on this subject the best you can, don’t give up hope and show your daughter you are the opposite of what they (the alienator) says. I feel your pain – I understand and I know that I am a good Mother and so are you. If you didn’t care then the alienation wouldn’t happen. I believe that alienators know what your weakness is/are and exploit that. I do apologize for not responding sooner – please feel free to continue to post. We need the support of others who are going through the same thing. Please take care of yourself.

      – Regards, Alientated Mom

    • Sandi says:

      I am crying as I read this…I have been alienated from my son since he was 14…he is now 17. The sorrow is so intense, the tears fall almost daily now…I too have so many questions, so many whys and what if’s…missing out on so much. I miss him.

      • alienated mom says:

        This is one of the most painful things any parent can go through. If you have any way at all to contact your son, please keep sending love. Even if he doesn’t respond – at least he will know that you are thinking about him. I understand your pain, I truly do. Please take care of yourself (I know how difficult this is). Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel but also try to seek out positive things so that you can keep yourself healthy.

        Regards, Alienated Mom

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